Dead Again - 20 Massages in 2 Months (Massage #20 continued)

In the end, it was an infection and sepsis that led to my death.  It took two weeks for me to die.  Though I was no longer pregnant, infection caused my belly to swell, turn dark purple and become hard as glass to the touch.  As I died, I worried about how my husband would survive this family tragedy.

After my death, my spirit stayed with him for a bit.  I saw that he was not able to bury my body and the body of our baby until the snow melted in the Spring and that he opened the cabin door against the weight of fallen snow and placed our bodies on a snow bank at the side of the dwelling while he waited for Spring thaw.  I saw him become numb as he struggled to cope with the house filled with blood and death. 

What I saw very clearly is that had I avoided splitting off from myself I would have seen that my thought, “I am going to die” was intended to alert me to the possibility of death and ways to avoid it, as if to say, “You are going to die if you don’t….”  It was meant to be a warning followed by helpful suggestions.

My spirit body - had it remained fully present - would have shown me that it was possible to get the midwife.  While the snow was formidable it was passable.  While the baby could not have been saved, I did not have to die.  However, when I split off from myself, I could no longer access needed spiritual guidance and was therefore unable to take the action necessary to avoid death.  Through reliving this memory I have learned that the ability to stay present is a survival skill and that with respect to some events we affect outcome based on how we manage the energy in our bodies.  

As Louise worked, I experienced emotional anguish so intense I covered my eyes with my hands.  In the face of agonizing physical pain, I struggled not to cry out on the massage table.  Also, I felt the terror of this tragedy strongly and at moments during Massage #20 I fought against losing consciousness.  I sensed that just as the inability to stay present had caused my early demise in this former life, staying present during the re-living of this memory would bring needed healing.

Twice now, in this massage marathon, I have re-lived the experience of physical death.  Each time it was the same: the sensation of a channel being changed or television turned off, the clarity of a connection severed.  Re-experiencing physical death in this way has helped me to prepare for death as it will eventually come in this lifetime.

As shown by my inner-attorney in previous massages, personal change and growth are fueled by the ability to listen deeply to all parts of oneself. Massage #20 brought the additional teaching that the emotional roots of illness or unpleasant life circumstances may be located in unknown places, like subconscious reservoirs of energy from past or alternative life experiences.  This means that our ability to create our reality may depend on some method for finding and moving hidden emotional energy.

As if to drive home the lessons of Massage #20, it was snowing when returned to the Center’s reception area after the massage. Large snowflakes blanketed the street and sidewalk in white.  The pain and emotional intensity of Massage #20 was such that I sat quietly in the lobby of the Center for a half hour afterward watching the snow and gathering my thoughts.  As I stood to go home, Richard Oliver, who tended the reception area, made a joke.  My laugh came up short as I bent over in pain, my abdomen sore somehow from the reliving the pain of that long ago labor and infection.