Dead Again - 20 Massages in 2 Months (Massage #20 continued)

In the end, it was an infection and sepsis that led to my death.  It took two weeks for me to die.  Though I was no longer pregnant, infection caused my belly to swell, turn dark purple and become hard as glass to the touch.  As I died, I worried about how my husband would survive this family tragedy.

After my death, my spirit stayed with him for a bit.  I saw that he was not able to bury my body and the body of our baby until the snow melted in the Spring and that he opened the cabin door against the weight of fallen snow and placed our bodies on a snow bank at the side of the dwelling while he waited for Spring thaw.  I saw him become numb as he struggled to cope with the house filled with blood and death. 

What I saw very clearly is that had I avoided splitting off from myself I would have seen that my thought, “I am going to die” was intended to alert me to the possibility of death and ways to avoid it, as if to say, “You are going to die if you don’t….”  It was meant to be a warning followed by helpful suggestions.

My spirit body - had it remained fully present - would have shown me that it was possible to get the midwife.  While the snow was formidable it was passable.  While the baby could not have been saved, I did not have to die.  However, when I split off from myself, I could no longer access needed spiritual guidance and was therefore unable to take the action necessary to avoid death.  Through reliving this memory I have learned that the ability to stay present is a survival skill and that with respect to some events we affect outcome based on how we manage the energy in our bodies.  

As Louise worked, I experienced emotional anguish so intense I covered my eyes with my hands.  In the face of agonizing physical pain, I struggled not to cry out on the massage table.  Also, I felt the terror of this tragedy strongly and at moments during Massage #20 I fought against losing consciousness.  I sensed that just as the inability to stay present had caused my early demise in this former life, staying present during the re-living of this memory would bring needed healing.

Twice now, in this massage marathon, I have re-lived the experience of physical death.  Each time it was the same: the sensation of a channel being changed or television turned off, the clarity of a connection severed.  Re-experiencing physical death in this way has helped me to prepare for death as it will eventually come in this lifetime.

As shown by my inner-attorney in previous massages, personal change and growth are fueled by the ability to listen deeply to all parts of oneself. Massage #20 brought the additional teaching that the emotional roots of illness or unpleasant life circumstances may be located in unknown places, like subconscious reservoirs of energy from past or alternative life experiences.  This means that our ability to create our reality may depend on some method for finding and moving hidden emotional energy.

As if to drive home the lessons of Massage #20, it was snowing when returned to the Center’s reception area after the massage. Large snowflakes blanketed the street and sidewalk in white.  The pain and emotional intensity of Massage #20 was such that I sat quietly in the lobby of the Center for a half hour afterward watching the snow and gathering my thoughts.  As I stood to go home, Richard Oliver, who tended the reception area, made a joke.  My laugh came up short as I bent over in pain, my abdomen sore somehow from the reliving the pain of that long ago labor and infection.

A Final Past Life Memory – 20 Massages in 2 Months (Massage #20)

To my surprise, in Massage # 20, a past life memory emerged, in parts, from muscles which have been the focus of several massages – diaphragm (front bottom rib cage), QL (lower back), psoas (abdominal) and adductor (upper thigh).  Releasing this memory was excruciatingly painful, physically and emotionally.  Though the energy of its tragic details is to some degree, over a week later, still with me, the massage also gave insight into gender relations, both inside the body and between men and women.

The details of this past life memory first emerged in the QL muscles.  As mentioned, our internal poverty – concerns about money and material support - are often held in the lower back.  Within my QL muscles, on the right side, arose a sense of devastation, of having taken a risk failed.  Within this masculine energy there was a loss of confidence in the ability to provide material support for loved ones and others.   On the left side was a sense of an abandonment and concern for those who would bear the guilt of this perceived. 

The scene was a homestead in the plains region of the United States.  Sometime in the 1800s.  It was a winter so severe, snow piled drifted high enough to block the windows and doors of the cabin where I lived with my husband.  Though I was expecting a baby and nearing labor, we did not send for the midwife.  Because of the snow we doubted we could get to the midwife or that if someone were to travel to her, that they would be able to return to the cabin to tend to me.  Therefore, we decided to ride out the birth alone.

Interestingly, in this past life memory release, as Louise worked on the left side of my body, I experienced the feelings and perceptions of my feminine, or emotional body.  Because of this I had the sense that when Louise moved to the right side, I would get the perspective of my masculine energies.

Initially, I told myself that work on my right side would give me insight into my husband’s experience.  However, my angelic guides interrupted my thoughts.  “On the right side,” they corrected, “You will learn how your spirit body experienced the events on this snowy homestead in this alternate reality (past life).  Your husband’s experience was related to, but is not the same as, the experience of your spirit body.” 

I found this observation interesting.  The message here was to draw the attention of women to our own spirit bodies in order to help us distinguish between when we are picking up on the feelings of the men around us and when we are discerning the experience of our own masculine energies.  (It goes without saying that both men and women embody both masculine and feminine energies.  It also goes without saying that this dual consciousness is not unified and that masculine and feminine have unique experiences, even while housed in the same body and responding to the same events).

Back in the past life memory, on the homestead barricaded in snow, a few hours before going into labor I sat reading.  As I read, the thought, “I am going to die,” flickered in my mind.  As the thought registered, a fragment of my spirit floated out and away from my body.  Though part of my spirit left, its leaving did not signify the beginning of an inevitable death.  Rather, this part of my spirit split off because could not withstand the intensity of the emotional experience of its feminine counterpart, it could not be present with the terror of death.  This aspect of my masculine energy split off in order to avoid feeling what it did not want to feel. 

The birth itself was violent and produced a stillborn child, one would had died in the womb two weeks earlier.   My husband attended the birth uncertain of how to help.  I sat, cradling the lifeless baby, staring into its lifeless face, wondering how finally death would take me and yet not wanting to share my suspicions of my impending death with my husband. 

(for more, see next post)

I Have Not Been Entirely Honest

Before going on to talk about massage #8 with Jennifer at the Well-Being Center for Health on Hill Street, I have a confession to make: I have not been entirely honest.

You know that mysterious terror that comes when touched on the front or sides of my neck – that is now reduced to manageable apprehension through these first seven massages? Well, a couple months back, before starting this massage odyssey, there was a clue, in the form of another past life memory.

It went something like this:

Terry, a friend who is also a healer, came for a visit. After seeming to mull it over for a while he offered to do what he called a spinal cord clearing. 

“Okay,” I said.

I pushed pillows off the day bed that doubles as a healing table. I started to pull the bed out from the wall.

“Oh, that won’t be necessary,” he said, “I’ll just sit on top of you for this one.”  He sat in a chair in front of the window in his denim overalls, a mason jar with double bags of green tea cooling next to him. Terry is in his seventies. He grew up in the country and then had an awakening of his own. Like most of us, his spiritual journey has taken him a long way and then not so far from his roots. Among other things, he teaches fire walking – the art of walking on hot coals without getting burned.

“What!?” I said.

“You’ll lie on your stomach and I will straddle you so I can get to your spinal column.”

I had never heard of this. Terry and I have different training. His sessions have always been very good. I shrugged. “Okay.”

I lay down. Terry climbed onto the table. He started at my tailbone. He began pressing his thumbs into points on either side of my spinal column and turning them in half circles before moving on to another set of points higher up. As he worked his breathing became labored. He began to sweat under his overalls. Because he was not moving around much I guessed that the energy was intense. Either that or he was tuckered out.

After 10 minutes, I felt Terry press his thumbs into the skin on either side of my neck. As he turned his thumbs, I lost consciousness. I descended into myself and into a black cloud. Just as quickly the cloud dispersed. It flew outside my body and surrounded me like a halo. Within the cloud, I saw a hand so dark it seemed to be made of shadow or void. It reached over the top of my head, curled its fingers into the crevices between my brow bones and eyeballs and pulled upward. My chin lifted off the table. As I stared upward at the hand holding my head, another, just as dark, came from the right. It held a knife. In one motion it slit my throat.

Although I had been killed I was aware – as one is aware of the whine of an airplane flying in a distant corner of the sky - of Terry sitting on top me, breathing harshly, the smell of his sweat. As with the time a few weeks ago when visited by angels, at first I did not know what was happening. Was Terry the culprit coming to slay me or the healer helping to restore me? 

Because I had not seen this memory coming I was unprepared. For a moment, I lost track of my surroundings. Within terror I struggled to stay conscious. It was all I could do to restrain myself and quell the impulse to scream, flail, push Terry off of me and fight him for my life.

It took 10 minutes to resurrect this memory. Like tearing off a bandage it was that quick. And then, it was over.

As I came to, I registered just how hard Terry was breathing.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He climb off the table and sat on the floor on his knees trying to recover his breath.

Terry emailed me later to say he had fainted after our session. He’s okay but we haven’t done any work since then.

___________________________

So, that’s makes the memory of drowning in a sinking car, the one resurrected by Richard in massage #6, memory number 2 behind the neck issues.

There, now I’ve told you a little more everything.

Good News & Massage Therapist in a Mask! – 20 Massages in 2 Months (Massage #7)

Jennifer Turek giving a massage.  (Don't be surprised if you look up and see your massage therapist wearing a hospital mask.  Therapists at the Center for Well-Being wear masks when working on head, neck and shoulders to prevent the spread of cold and flu germs!)

Good news! As a result of the hard work and unique gifts of therapists at the Well-Being Center for Health on Hill Street in Monroe, Washington I am not only gaining insights into my subconscious patterns, the physical situation is improving markedly as well!  (Because the subconscious and physical are linked, changes in one bring changes in the other!)

Not only is the numbness in my right arm much less persistent and pronounced, I have moved on to registering light dread as opposed to sheer terror upon having the front and sides of my neck touched.  

I went into this massage marathon confident of results. After all, there is a reason that massage is so popular. What I did not expect is improvement in chronic issues at just over1/3 of the way to reaching the goal of 20 massages!

This trend continued with a fantastic massage from Jennifer Turek. Jennifer, who you may also see at the Center's front desk without her mask - has a sweet, understated demeanor. She also has a well-tuned finesse for applying pressure and an ability to tune into the body to create flow, release, balance and relaxation. She is a careful listener who matches her technique to the stated needs of the client. Click here to see a picture of Jennifer.

Jennifer, like some other therapists at the Center, learned massage at the Spectrum Center School for Massage in Lake Stevens, Washington. I looked up the school on-line. Apparently, the school as been commended by the Washington State Board of Massage for its high academic standards. The school’s website describes massage as follows:

“Massage as a form of touch is an extension of heart felt communication.”

This sentiment came across in Jennifer’s massage.  After placing heat packs on my body she began gently kneading the backs of my legs through the blanket. I asked her what purpose it served and she said, “I’m saying hello to the body and getting it warmed up.” I realized that is exactly what this initial touch accomplished, a way of helping the body settle in from the pace of daily activity to the centered, resting state of massage. 

Next Jennifer worked on my legs which I appreciated. For those of you who’ve been following this in the first blog post I said I wanted to focus on tight leg muscles as much as on back and neck issues. Jennifer focused on areas of tension and adapted pressure as needed. 

Also, there was a moment of victory. Before we got started I told Jennifer about the past life memory of drowning released in Massage #6. I asked her to work on the sides of my neck to test for improvement in my ability to handle touch in this area.

Jennifer firmly massaged this area with no mind-numbing fear on my part. It appears that Richard’s massage was powerful enough to liberate me and my neck from a heavy layer of its former servitude. I still felt some inklings of fear and flashes of a few less-than-comforting images, so I suspect there may be more to release, but I feel that the hardest part is over.  Here’s me smiling and breathing a sigh of relief!

I will be seeing Jennifer again next Tuesday and I can’t wait.  I felt wonderful after this massage!