Enter the Psoas - 20 Massages in 2 Months (Massage #15 continued)

Muscle chart in one massage room at the Well-Being Center for Health in Monroe, WA

Another message came when Aiden worked the right QL muscle.  Aiden first worked on, and I first discovered, my QLs (Quadratus Lumborums) as well as the fact that they were tight in Massage #10.  At that time and in subsequent massages these muscles, which run vertically in the lower back area, were so tight that it was all I could do to breathe through the massage.  This intensity prevented me from grasping the emotional content held there.  However, by Massage #15 the muscle had loosened enough that I was able to feel into what was being released from the area.  I have heard that worries around material support, including money, are often carried in the lower back. Given the near constant strain many feel to make enough money to support themselves - let alone fulfill their dreams - it is not surprising that we have such high rates of lower back tightness, pain and injury in this country!  (Imagine what a functioning economy that serves the needs of all people could do for our lower backs!)

As Aiden worked he said, “Can I ask you something?  What does smoke or smog mean to you?  It’s something that I saw when working on the QL.”

The answer was not obvious and needed to be deciphered.  Smoke or smog - on a symbolic or energetic level - can mean many things.  In certain traditions smoke is sacred and carries the blessings and intelligence of the spirits.  Smog is like smoke in that it obscures things visually, yet smog is air that has been polluted and so smog does not carry the same connotations of purity, love and healing as smoke. 

“It’s definitely a shroud,” said Aiden.  (According to the dictionary a shroud is a veil, something that screens, covers, protects or conceals).

As a partial answer, the words “deception” and then “self-deception” flashed in my mind.  As I looked more closely into what was happening in the muscle, I saw there my inner-attorney.  Though he had been evicted from my right arm and shoulder he had seen fit to take up residence in my right lower back!  There he was, sweaty and wound up, making all kinds of arguments about why I cannot and should not pursue this spiritual calling due to his (or my) (or our) doubts about whether adequate support will be available. 

I deduced that his (my) worries were a kind of self-deception that could be used to justify not meeting my calling.  This explained the “concealment” aspect of the shroud Aiden described.  To extend the shroud metaphor, this self-deception also served as a veil which concealed a truth – presumably about what support is in reality available.  Likewise, the self-deception served a protective purpose. If, as my inner-attorney insisted, adequate support is not available, then keeping to his vision is safe.  

I am grateful for Aiden’s ability to see (and communicate) this symbolic shroud as it helped me to further understand the conflicting desires and belief systems carried by different aspects of my psyche.  This in turn allowed me to make a conscious choice about which one of these aspects I will choose as leader.   

For now I’ve decided that the inner-attorney will no longer lead.  We (I) did it his way for years – with limited success and happiness.  Therefore, I am choosing a new life vision based in spirituality, one I feel has more potential for fulfillment of all - rather than a few - people - and aspects of self!

Also, though I did not anticipate it my inner attorney did not disappear with the numbness in my arm.  Instead, he relocated to another area of the body!  Perhaps this is what they mean when they say that from the self you can run but not hide - whoever "they" is.  Importantly, although he and I (or I and I) may disagree on fundamental issues, I see that he has skills that could be useful – for instance, he is a hard worker.  It seems that I am being asked -  instead of evicting (or releasing) him as I did in Massage #6 - to reclaim and transform him so that the energy that has been fueling him becomes available for harmonious, productive purposes. 

When not delivering intuitive messages, Aiden worked a new muscle, the psoas. The psoas is an abdominal muscle that attaches at the spine and then also at the femur (thigh) bone near the hip joint.  On its way to the femur from the spine, the psoas winds through the pelvic girdle.  This means that while the psoas is massaged from the abdominal area near the hip bone, this same work impacts muscle tissue deep within the abdomen.  In fact, I did a little on-line research into the psoas.  The psoas, along with another muscle, the illacus, is responsible for bringing the leg toward torso or torso toward the leg.  This muscle is therefore often tight in Americans because we tend sit for long periods.  A tight psoas often means guarding and held emotion in the abdomen. This mean that psoas work is often intense and the work Aiden did on my psoas was no exception. 
 

If I have discovered only one thing on this journey it is that where there is muscle tension, discovery awaits.  I look forward to unraveling the emotional content hiding deep within the muscle fiber of my psoas!