20 Massages in 2 Months - Massage #2 (continued)

Karen begins working on the muscles in the back of my neck, shoulders and upper back in much the way Richard did in Massage #1. She continues massaging knots out of my trapezius and scapula muscles beneath and the tension in my arm once again releases. Karen suggests that muscle tension is interfering with nerve transmission causing numbness. She moves to the muscles at the side of my neck and we discover a troubling feedback loop. As she begins massaging the sides of my neck I begin to tense up and the fear comes again. It is dawning on me that the numbness results from a conspiracy of tension in several muscles - including muscles at the side of my neck. Resolving this pattern requires working the tense muscles and all of them, yet at the slightest touch to the side of my neck I tense up and my tension in turn reduces the amount of work possible. “Is it too much?” she asks.

“It’s too much emotionally,”  I respond. It is a mysterious to me what causes this reaction and I hope to get to the bottom of it.

"Must be a trust issue," she says.

She lifts my right arm and massages the muscles in my armpit.  In response to more questions from me she begins discussing various muscles that I'm guessing converge there in the pit – something about subscapularus and pectorals minor. “What I’m getting in you on an emotional level is some kind of determination. A stubbornness in moving forward perhaps without your feminine side,” she intuits.

I’m rankling again so I know that she has hit on something. These are times of fast change for me. During the past 15 years of awakening and study I have kept my spirituality private and now I am being asked to make a 180 degree turn and take it in the other direction, to become more public and share my experience. This is exciting, inspiring and fearsome. Gifts notwithstanding there was grief  - and fear - associated with letting go of practicing law and letting go of my identity.

Spiritually, I know that the awakening was meant to serve humanity. I know also that in the face of the unknown -and at this moment my life is an unknown - it is best to rely on intuition. Yet, fear can make it challenging to hear intuition and can cause the rational mind – symbolized by activity on the right side of the body - to try to take over and control the process. As far as my numb arm is concerned it appears that emotionally I am between a rock and a hard place. Sooner or later, something's got to give. As Karen works, I listen to my feelings, the ones that move in response to the massage in my armpit. Within these feelings is a sense of not being able to let go of the old way. I tell her this.

“That’s what I’m getting,” she confirms.

20 Massages in Two Months - Massage #2 (continued)

Lobby and waterfall at Center for Well-Being in Monore, WA

Karen Joy is not only an experienced massage therapist she is also Reiki practitioner. Between now and last Tuesday my arm has become numb again.  To have this numbness recur is not unusual but I am determined to find some new tools to tame this old challenge.  I ask Karen for a shot of Reiki to my right shoulder to see if this will loosen things up.

 

(To me Reiki is a fascinating and versatile healing tool. In some parts of the East, Reiki is so well developed you can see Reiki practitioners for treatments customized to specific ailments! For those not familiar with Reiki  it is a type laying on of hands but don't let Reiki’s typically gentle nature fool you – it is a powerful healing tool that leaves most feeling relaxed, well- cared for, and healed. Even better, Reiki not only causes a feeling of healing, it actually brings healing!).

As a healer myself, I know that emotional patterns underlie physical ailments. I have wanted to blame this numbness – which first occurred during law school as I studied for final exams one year – on writing alone but the truth is I write more with my left hand which I use to do the bulk of longhand writing. The burden of any typing is shared equally between right and left. Yet, I do not experience numbness in my left arm. I am beginning to see that while the soreness in my arms probably comes from muscle use the numbness it is likely caused by emotions and thoughts which influence how emotional and mental energy is processed on the right side of my body.

Karen seems to have similar suspicions. “Are you nurturing yourself enough?” is her first question. The question rankles and not because she is wrong but because I keep hearing this same question from a variety of sources. I’ve tried riding my bike in the rain, eating delicious food, taking hot salt baths, laughing with friends, spending time with family, seeing movies, massage, painting, dancing, energy healing, playing with kids. My discomfort is a cryptic code whose meaning I have yet to decipher.  In which self-nurturing technique will I find the magic button?  This is my question.

“I’m trying,” I respond.